1. We’re always messing with you
Don’t take it too seriously. We’re playful, like cats with laser pointers. You’re the cat and we’re the laser pointer. Or something, I don’t know. Just take the joke and throw it back, okay?
2. Mean comments are displays of affection
There’s nothing more intimate or affectionate than me calling you an asshole and kissing you afterwards, trust.
3. We remember everything
That time you tripped outside the movie theatre, that embarrassing picture of you dressed as a lacrosse bro on Halloween freshman year. We like to keep our joke bank fresssssh, so don’t think that anything goes unnoticed or is off limits.
4. You can make fun of us too
We can honestly take a joke, even about our appearance. It’s fun when you bite back.
5. We come off cocky, but it’s a front
We’ll say inflated things about our appearance, like “I’m just so gorgeous” or “damn I look good” when we’re at our worst. We’re not infallible and we don’t spend hours on our faces. We don’t actually think we’re the shit…well, okay, we kind of are, but we will not say it like that.
6. If you don’t know if we’re joking, safe to assume we’re joking
The default mode of your phone is silent, and the default mode of my mouth is sarcastic.
7. We ARE laughing at you. But that’s because we like you
I wouldn’t laugh at you if I didn’t think you could laugh at me too. Your misery might make me smile, but only because I want to be the one to help you up and hug you after you fall down.
8. We have soft, gooey centers under the hard exteriors
We’re like rude Entenmann’s cookies. We’re only this sarcastic because we have mad layers of depth and feelings. For every mean thing we joke about, we have five more nice things to say about you.
9. If I’m ignoring you in a big group, it means I like you, yes you, the one I’m not talking to
Don’t get used to the loads of attention we pay you when we’re alone. We’re not really about PDA or making you feel like royalty when there are a bunch of people around. We’ll never be the ball and chain, and the more we ignore you, the more we can make eyes at you and mouth “I hate you,” which is basically a sign of head-over-heels, stupid crazy affection.
10. I hate you = I love you
Always. Always. Always.
11. Learn to take a little hit
We’ll shove you, playfully slap you for a good joke, and obviously hit you with a verbal shot to your glass jaw. The better you take it, the more we love you.
12. We will say something really mean and immediately wish we didn’t say it
It’s almost like sarcasm is this involuntary reaction and we. can’t. stop. being. sarcastic.
13. We will occasionally say something incredibly sincere, but you won’t notice because you’ll think we’re being sarcastic
..And then we feel pretty foolish for putting ourselves out there.
14. There’s nothing in my eye
I am actually having an emotional reaction to something. I’m not sure what this salty watery substance is coming out of my eyeballs right now but it happens sometimes when I get upset. You don’t need to stare at me like I’m on fire. I have feelings!
15. I actually have a lot of feelings
I’m not an emotionless robot, I’m just a sardonic lady. I like to joke and mess around, but that doesn’t mean I’m a stoic rock.
16. I know it may not seem like it, but I’m not trying to play it cool
We are so sensitive, if that wasn’t obvious by now. Too sensitive. Could be why we are so sarcastic, but whatever, that’s dumb, we cool, we cool.
17. We’re bad with making moves
We truly, honestly do not know how to give you the signal that we like you or that we care about you. We are hoping you will see through our sarcasm and see we’re basically dying for you to notice us.
18. Being sincere doesn’t come easy
So when we get serious, you need to pay attention. (Or like cherish it or whatever).
19. In the truest reality, you’re dating a sensitive, affectionate, loving lady