This is like poorly translated teen goth poetry.
Pretty much every line of this song is flagrantly sexist, but this verse from the dude from LMFAO is especially awful.
You are the reason we can’t have nice things, Eminem.
Chad Kroeger’s erotic poetry here is even better when you consider that it’s probably about Avril Lavigne.
Naw, it’s not weird at allllllll, Jason. [eyes dart nervously around the room]
This year’s winner of the “most cringe-inducing line in an otherwise wonderful song” award…
…even if Kanye did his best to top it on the remix.
Well, thank God.
That’s kinda gross, Plies.
This is kinda like when Steve Carell says that breasts feel like a “bag of sand” in The 40 Year Old Virgin.
Wow, no way! Me too.
Some really sexy stuff from Jerrodd Niemann here.
Did you really think there would only be one Derulo song here?
Or you could just keep this sort of thing to yourself, Pitbull.
We all need goals.
And she didn’t take him back!
If you ever have to fight 50 Cent, make sure you’ve got some rats handy.
Pretty much every line of this song makes you realize this girl’s dad was totally right to forbid their engagement, even if he’s just as guilty of treating her like nothing more than property.
This is probably the most accurate review of the Awards aka a hot mess and yet another reason to drink….
Wait, what? Is this a thing? Why are we here? What is going on? First things first: American Country Countdown is a radio show currently hosted by Kix Brooks, of
Brooks Brothers menswear Brooks & Dunn. It has been on since 1973, and was co-created by Casey Kasem (who is still not buried). It is “The longest-running radio countdown show,” according to the opening credits. But this is the very first American Country Countdown Awards. Why? Because it is a re-branding of the American Country Awards, which has a rich history going all the way back to 2010 when it was invented by the Fox Network. This awards show is younger than Icon in the Gulch. It is younger than Glee. It is younger than British moppets Sophia Grace and Rosie, who stole America’s heart with their cover of Nicki Minaj’s “Super Bass.” It is also hosted by Florida-Georgia Line.
So, with all that in mind, tonight’s recap is brought to you by Beer, the official alcoholic beverage of my fridge. Beer: Drink It™. (Please drink beer responsibly.)
We kick it off with Carrie Underwood, a country music person I enjoy. She performs a medley of hits, because they make no bones about how she is here to promote a greatest hits album. I like “Before He Cheats,” one of the only contemporary country songs I know. It is about committing what likely amounts to a Class D Felony, a crime which, in the state of Tennessee, has a potential sentence of 2 to 12 years in prison and $5,000 in fines.
Brian Kelley and Tyler Hubbard are the hosts. They are Florida Georgia Line, which is the musical equivalent of a herpes drip falling directly into your ear. They walk to the stage looking relatively nice in suits, but no, these are tear-away stripper suits, and the poor female attendees have been instructed to rip their clothes away as they ascend up the aisle. It is exactly as classy as it sounds.
“It’s the big year-end party for country music,” they say. Everyone in the audience they cut to is drinking, so points for accuracy. They highlight the bar that is on set, mentioned in this article on HuffPo that was no doubt written by the most frazzled publicist in town. Not mentioned so far but written in that article is that “bro” is a secret word for doing shots. It is why everyone will say “bro” all night long.
Sara Evans presents the award for Male Vocalist of the Year. Oh my god, they literally count them down! It is a ranking! It is a sorority hazing! Luke Bryan is the winner, announced not by the opening of a tacky old envelope, but via Sara Evans flipping around a smartphone. This show is now instantly dated. I love it. It’s like a ’70s avocado kitchen or everything you wore circa 1999.
Bryan immediately performs. So if you paid any attention to who the performers are tonight at the opening of the show, you can probably suss out who the winners are. I did not pay attention and don’t really care to rewind. I don’t know this song, I think it’s called “Amish Rollercoaster.” He brings out Cole Swindell (a name that, as I noted in my recent CMA Awards recap, sounds more like some kind of crime from the Middle Ages). Swindell wears a very nice sports-y fan-boy baseball cap and looks like he probably does a lot of crunches.
Maddie & Tae and Scotty McCreedy, three people who are more famous than I am, give out Group/Duo of the Year. It goes to Florida Georgia Line. They do a whistle song and one of them is wearing camo cargo shorts and red sneakers. You know how poor Scott Stapp has gone crazy? I’m pretty sure it’s because these two burst forth from his skull like Athena from Zeus (if Athena and Zeus were garbage monsters) and nobody bothered to put his head back together.
“Here to rock our world live from the Twitter bar,” oh Jesus Christ, it’s called the Twitter bar, “With a Brooks & Dunn classic, Kix Brooks and Jerrod Niemann.” This recap is also brought to you by Google, because I cannot spell anyone’s name correctly on the first try. Wait, is Ronnie Dunn dead? *searches* Nope. Thanks again, Google!
Emily Kinney (from The Walking Dead) and Chase Rice (from your grocer’s freezer) present Female Vocalist of the Year. The winner is Miranda Lambert. I am pretty sure I like Miranda Lambert and will not make fun of her. She sings her song and gives an appropriately dismissive thank you.
Chris Young and current Miss America Kira Kazantsev (Thanks again, Google!) present the next award: Breakthrough Artist of the Year Presented by Samsung GALAXY.
The Breakthrough Artist of the Year Presented by Samsung GALAXY (Samsung GALAXY: Drink It™) is Kip Moore. Fun fact: Kip Moore means “nap longer” in British English. He’s wearing a white shirt (doesn’t look like a tuxedo shirt though) and undone black tie which is a pretty good costume! It tells a story. The story is he is a fancy man who went to a fancy party and now he’s home and unwinding. What was that party like? Were there other fancy people there? The only better costume would be an undone white tie with top hat and tails on a stool next to him.
Reba! Everyone loves Reba, me included. And Kix Brooks. I am opinion-less on Brooks. She is given the first ever “Nash Icon” award. Nash Icon, as we all know, was a long-running CBS series starring Don Johnson and Cheech Marin.
Brooks says that there is no fooling country music fans when it comes to the sincerity, integrity, and talent of the artists they support, which is debatable (see: Florida Georgia Line), but I will allow it for Reba. Oh God, he brings up her dad’s funeral? Needlessly dark, dude! I mean, what basically just happened is the Fox Network needed one-off content on a Monday night in mid-December, so now Reba McEntire gets to relive her father’s death. Anyway! Here’s Miranda Lambert and (Reba stepdaughter-in-law) Kelly Clarkson! (Confidential to Kelly Clarkson: if you would like me to be your friend, which I’m sure you do, the Scene will give you my number. No pressure.) One of the songs they sing is of course “Fancy” and then Reba comes and does “Fancy” too and “Fancy” is a real good song. Love “Fancy.” This whole show should just be a two-hour rendition of “Fancy.” (Confidential to Fox Network: if you would like me to take over your mid-December programming, which I’m sure you do, the Scene will give you my number. No pressure.)
Star of Fox comedy Brooklyn Nine-Nine Melissa Fumero and Thomas Rhett count down Song of the Year. The Song of the Year, the only song ever, the best of 2014, is “Beat of the Music” by Brett Eldredge. He only sings, like, 90 seconds of it, which is fine with me. He thanks the songwriters and also The Bahamas. Not a joke!
Elf on the Shelf Hunter Hayes makes an appearance to announce Album of the Year. It is The Outsiders by Eric Church. To accept the award, Ponyboy and Sodapop come up and recite “Nothing Gold Can Stay,” but then the Socs crash the stage and Bob is knifecrimed to death. Don’t worry, though, everyone stays gold in the end.
To celebrate the 75th Anniversary of Gone With the Wind, Lady Antebellum appears to sing a song (presumably) about the grace and beauty and lost world of how people used to own slaves. (I will never ever ever ever let go of this band’s name. It’s trash and should make everyone with a soul cringe. The word “antebellum” has a very specific meaning in America, and it is not a meaning to be lauded. Lady Third Reich. Lady Apartheid. It’s okay to be German. It’s okay to be South African. It’s okay to be Southern! But maybe, just maybe, give two seconds of consideration as to which era of a region’s history you want to evoke (see: Prussian Blue). As repulsive as I find Florida Georgia Line, at least they did not name themselves The Plantation Boyz, you know?)
Anyway. Speaking of FLG Line, they are now dressed as “bad Santas” and make testicle jokes and bring Lady Antebellum BACK after the commercial break and man, just everyone should be ashamed of themselves. Pretty soon after Eric Church talks about how albums rock and $0.99 singles suck, Big Machine CEO Scott Brochetta is there to give Digital Single of the Year to Florida Georgia Line and Luke Bryan for “This is How We Roll.” Nice knowing you, Church.
Vince Vaughn‘s questionable hairline is the big contractually obligated celebrity of the night, and he appears to name Kenny Chesney‘s even more questionable hairline as a Ground-breaker. Hey, look, 20th Century Fox is distributing Vaughn’s upcoming film, Unfinished Business! This, my friends, is what is known as “synergy.”
Sports people. “NASCAR legend Jimmy Johnson” and MLB “Cy Young Winner and MVP Clayton Kershaw.” But I thought it was going to be three people because I misheard “and MVP” as “Andy McPete.” Haha, I like how stiff the baseball guy is. He is so cute and bad at this! Here, I made a Vine. The Artist of the Year, they tell us, is Jason Aldean.
Hank Williams Jr. closes out the show. They call him “Brosephus” but I typo his name as “Jank Williams, Jr.” which seems more fitting. He sings “Da Yah Wannaah Paaahtay?”, the old theme song to old Monday Night Football, a program that does NOT air on Fox. Boy, I really hope somebody got fired for that blunder. Thanks for reading, you sick masochists. See you next year. (Especially you, Kelly, call me!)
We just got home from GeekGirlCon, a wonderful convention in Seattle full of the most adorable child cosplay in the world. During that convention we sat on a panel called “Women in Nerd Music” with Molly Lewis, Sammus, Shubzilla and Minn from Thundering Asteroids. It was a really fun and productive hour, with some insights about band names, sexism and the new portmanteau “thermomenerd” (meaning the song used by a band to measure the nerdiness of an audience).The last question in the panel, right under the wire, was “how do you book a tour?” — and we didn’t really get to answer it. But guys, I just have SO MUCH TO SAY!
Collected below is basically every possible thing I thought of when I thought about tour planning. It may or may not help others, depending on what you want to know. Any advice is most likely to apply to bands with an existing online audience.
The post below is not very well organized, and it is not comprehensive, But I think it is a pretty clear reflection of our method for planning tours, with all its benefits and flaws.
WHY WE TOUR: There are lots of bands that don’t tour. There are lots of bands that tour more than we do. I think our reasoning for touring comes down to this: we write our music to be performed live. That’s where we started: not jamming in a garage, but writing for a weekly open mic. And I agree with many reviewers on the internet—the Doubleclicks are better live. So if we really want to serve our extremely supportive audience, I feel like we should play for them live at least once a year, as much as we can. This reasoning dictates how our venues are chosen: there’s a lot of singing along and participation, so we try to play only in places where acoustics allow for jokes and improvisation and talking, and disruptions are minimal (so, not a loud punk bar or outdoor festival). This also dictates which cities we go to: we don’t count on tour as our most reliable way of making money (that comes from the internet, crowd-funding and convention shows)—but we don’t tour to lose money either, so we keep things reasonable and play places where we know enough people will make it out to be worth our travel time.
Since our band started performing as “the Doubleclicks” in 2011, we have toured nationally three times with a sprinkling of additional regional tours (would you like to see our complete archive of show listings? It’s extensive!). I consider a “tour” to be a string of shows on consecutive days in different cities—we’ve done a lot of “appearances” and weekend trips for conventions… but those aren’t really “tours.” Tours are when we pile into a car, drive all day, play a show, sleep, wake up, and repeat. The longest tour we’ve done was the “Velociraptour” in 2013: that was 4 weeks and 8,000+ miles. Certainly not impressive by Katy Perry or Megaran standards, but still exhausting. And my voice was gone by the end!
We still have no idea what we are doing, but it keeps getting better, and we keep making mistakes to learn from.
A note before we begin with the advice: we owe a lot of our tour strategy to people with whom we have played in the past: Paul and Storm, Marian Call, Sarah Donner, and others (thanks, guys!) and we owe even more to the many mistakes and terrible shows we’ve planned out of our own ignorance. Mistakes! They are the worst!
Here we go: HOW THE DOUBLECLICKS PLAN THEIR TOURS
1. FIND THE PEOPLE, PART 1. We started touring because people, people who already knew our music, asked us to. Touring is certainly an important way to build a band’s audience, to play for new people in their very own cities. HOWEVER, our most successful shows on tours are planned with the help of people who already know who we are. So when we tour, we aren’t cold-calling. Before we started touring, we did this:
2. DRAW A PICTURE AND MAKE A PLAN. We remember those “COME TO CLEVELAND” tweets, and we have that big spreadsheet created by fans who fill out our form… and then it’s time to start planning the tour for real. For a while, we used a service called BatchGeo to actually map our FanBridge e-mail list and see where our fans lived based on zip code. We saw the big concentrations: Midwest, East Coast, Northwest: we could even see which cities and suburbs had the most Doubleclicks listeners (Toronto was a big surprise, and so was Chicago).
So once you have the fans, this is the part where you pull up the google maps and the google calendar and ask the questions. How long do you want to tour? What season makes sense for the region? Where do you have fans? Where can you afford to drive? Are you going to fly to the other coast and rent a car? Can you figure out how to borrow a car or make a round-trip rental? Can you bring your own sound setup, so you can play non-conventional venues that do not provide a PA system? Can you anchor your tour with a big corporate, convention or college show to cover some of those big costs? We started very very small with our first headlining tour, with a 5-date tour going from Portland to Vancouver, BC and back. Each time the tours get more ambitious.
The hardest part with the map and the calendar is starting. It feels like we have infinite cities and infinite days—with no structure, it’s impossible to start. It’s helpful to have an “anchor” show or date… for example, we know we need to be in DC when the big venue has a date available, we know we want to be in Boston for the big convention, or we know we want to visit Grandpa on a Sunday. The anchors are annoying because they conflict with the freedom of planning, but they are also necessary. They’re a lot like deadlines: nothing gets done without a little bit of structure.
Once we have figured out our basics, I start marking my calendar with themaster schedule for tour planning: 4-6 months prior to the tour, we tell our fans to get their updated suggestions in via our form (often we do this by posting a map on twitter, maps get people very excited.). 3-4 months prior to to the tour, we’ll start booking. A month later we will confirm shows and start working on travel logistics. About 1-2 months out from the tour, promotion stars in earnest, including releasing new videos in which we can put ads for the tour, and printing and mailing posters. We schedule EVERYTHING. Planning! It looks so clean when it’s in the future.
I sort of love this phase of the tour: the IDEA phase. You put all those cities into a google map and you see what shape your tour’s going to take. You have great ideals in your head about how you won’t have to drive more than 5 hours a day. You have a perfect schedule for every step of the tour. And then you start booking shows, and everything is ruined.
3. FIND THE VENUES AND BOOK THE SHOWS. This is the part of the tour planning that is all about the DATA. We have our spreadsheets about our numbers of local fans, we have a bunch of suggestions, and we have a map. And then?
Game store in Sacramento (this is before we made our bios shorter):
On openers and sharing shows—our current mindset is this: definitely share shows when you can, with people you LOVE. We are fortunate that we are seldom slapped onto bills with openers we don’t know—a practice which can be super frustrating when the person is a sexist or terrible or something, especially when they’re taking the money from people YOU brought in. When we can bring in an opener that we know and whose music we love, it is always worth it for the increase in the quality of the show. We’ve made some mistakes with this in the past, though, particularly early on. Nowadays we will book a show with another act IF: we really like their music and think our audience will too; AND/OR they can help us book a show in a way that will take less work than us doing it ourselves; AND/OR they have a local draw. If none of those things are true, well then we’re just being nice to be walked all over… and that happens a surprising amount. These days, because of how much we’ve been burned, we usually ask openers or co-performers to sign an agreement stating that they will promote the show, in specific ways and a specific number of times. If we’re biting off a bigger venue than we can chew ourselves and we’re counting on someone else to help out, we need to make it clear to that person that we need their help. Making it part of the contract makes it simple and easy to discuss. We’d love to do more shared tours in the future, but those work best when both acts have their own separate audiences who both would enjoy the other’s music, so that the audience is bigger than it would be just for one. Playing shows with our friends is the very greatest thing ever in the world. We do it a lot in Portland and we’d love to do it more around the country, if we could do so while still paying everyone. SOON, I guess!
4. NAIL DOWN THE UNKNOWNS. Once the venues have replied (after some pestering, usually), that next step is important. You aren’t going to get a lot of back-and-forth with each show: everyone is busy. So it’s super important to nail down all the details, the promotion information, your needs and theirs, as early as possible. They may disappear later, when it’s two weeks out from the show and you need to know what time doors open. We create an inclusive “confirmation email” that includes (redundantly, sometimes) ALL of the details as we understand them.Every venue gets an “official promo blurb” that serves as an written-in-stone agreement with the final times for door and show, price, age restriction… so if we’re not on the same page, everyone knows.
Part of a doc containing final details for each show, in a format that can be pasted into a press release or facebook event.
5. FIND THE PEOPLE, PART 2. Press and promotion is something I have a complicated relationship with. Usually, it seems to not make a huge difference how many press releases I send out to the venue’s “required press list”… our fans aren’t reading newspapers, and most reporters have about 300 different concerts per week that they could be writing about, so it’s going to be hard for us to stand out. Below are the things we’ve learned from our past and from internet “indie musician” blogs (I have more to say on this, but I think things like “how to write a press release” and “how to make a poster” are pretty well covered on many of those indie musician blogs, so I’ll keep it to the important lessons).
But really, this is what works:
6. PUT ON A SHOW. Here are the things we’ve learned about the actual “tour” parts of tour:
7. REGROUP, LEARN, TAKE BREAKS, and DO IT ALL AGAIN.
Touring is the best. We genuinely love it. It’s full of logistical nightmares, but every one is worth it.
If you have any specific questions, please leave them in the comments or e-mail me at angela *at* thedoubleclicks.com, and I’ll answer as time permits.
EDIT: if you are a fan and want to offer a venue or a place to stay, please don’t e-mail us, gofill out our form! http://bit.ly/suggestacity